(B) Boundaries - Communicating Wants & Needs

Learn how to effectively communicate your wants and needs in sober dating. Discover the importance of setting healthy boundaries and practicing clear communication for a successful relationship.

Creating Healthy Boundaries

We all want to feel safe in expressing our physical and emotional boundaries

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When we are SOBER Dating being able to know our boundaries and our wants and needs is important…but, even more important is the ability to verbalize those wants and needs to another person.

A healthy boundary is the ability to communicate safely to another person without fear of resentment or retaliation. Without this boundary, it may be possible that we are putting sobriety at risk. Resentments can build, which may lead to relapse. Even if it doesn't, we are certainly robbing ourselves of serenity.

As we evolve in our lives and in our recovery, our wants and needs can change! It’s important to be able to have people in our lives who will be able to pivot and be flexible in response to our changing wants and needs.

Practice With Others

Keep in mind that conversations about boundaries, wants, needs do not always have to be deep, serious conversations. Here is one simple example of communicating a want/need: “I want hamburgers for dinner tonight.” This type of simple, clear communication lets the other person know what it is that you want. Though it may be necessary at times to pre-plan and role play with someone whom you trust more difficult conversations. One topic that is difficult and usually awkward, initially, can be those conversations surrounding intimate wants and needs. These take time to feel more at ease about….but, they are very important and useful conversations to have. Also engage in frequent, healthy habits of regular communication with your partner.

Other wants and needs that can be helpful to have conversations around include:

Your Partner Is Not Your HP

Of course, there is a boundary you may want to consider regarding sharing too much too soon. You also do not need to try to make your partner an expert in recovery as there are professionals and others in recovery who can successfully guide you. But it may be important they understand, even early on, that you must put recovery first and how it may impact how available you are for them.

Continue to learn about codependent relationships because it is often a struggle for people in recovery. It is not fair for you or your partner to be heavily reliant on one another for happiness; your partner is NOT your Higher Power. Often in these codependent relationships, wants and needs get shelved in order to please the other person.

Learning the Skills

Healthy communication can be difficult for those in recovery, as it may be a new skill.

The following can be helpful to learn how to communicate effectively:

Remember, it is always about progress when you are dating in sobriety. There isn't a perfect communication formula, so take what you think will work and leave the rest. Understand you may not get the results you desire when you assert yourself, and that is okay. It is an opportunity to practice emotional regulation and acceptance. All of these are necessary skills to develop a happy and healthy life.