(S) Self-Esteem - How You Can Successfully Navigate It?

Learn how to successfully navigate dating while in recovery by strengthening your self-esteem, establishing your identity, and making wise relationship choices.

If you are in a 12 step recovery program, you most likely have heard the rule: no dating the first year of sobriety. The suggestion does not just apply to those in recovery from drugs and alcohol but also gambling, sex, and other addictions. But what is the basis behind the rule? Are we safe to find love when we are in recovery?

Do we really have to wait a year? No, there is no rule written in the ‘Big Book’ or other recovery materials stating we cannot date the first year. However, those with experience in recovery, know it is a wise suggestion to get our ‘thoughts clear’ and to get a bit of continuous sobriety under your feet before ‘SOBER Dating’. The key is to have a healthy relationship with yourself prior to developing romantic relationships.

Strengthen Your Self-Esteem

Many who struggle with addiction may be spiritually deprived. Discontent is often numbed with alcohol and drugs and then replaced with sex and relationships. If you have constant restlessness, irritability, and shame, it can be easy to numb with a new distraction like dating and getting into an unhealthy relationship.

However, no relationship will bring personal happiness to your life if you are dependent on having one. You may settle, thinking you do not deserve more. Or you may be too quick to rush into the first thing that provides relief only to be disappointed down the road.

So what is the solution?

Participating in a 12 step program is of course a foundational aspect of sober dating. It will help you develop your spiritual path and allow you to work on character defects. This will help you personally and in relationships, for example by addressing issues with selfishness, self-seeking, abandonment, and expectations, among other things.

Turning control over to a Higher Power also allows us to relinquish some pain and grow spiritually, which helps us strengthen our self-esteem. When we strengthen our self-esteem, we begin to find happiness within ourselves versus outside of ourselves.

Establish Your Own Identity

Having a good foundation of knowing who you are is essential before dating. Recovery experts recommend one year because you need that time to discover who you are.

Establish relationships with others in recovery who can support you through life’s obstacles, so you don't become dependent upon a significant other. Develop hobbies and interests both inside and outside of recovery. Now is the time to explore exercise, art, reading, writing, cooking, or any other new skill or interest. If you have established your own identity and interests, you are more likely to feel fulfilled personally. You will have more to bring to a relationship in the future because you are interesting! A relationship should be one part of your life not the sole focus in your life.

Be Wise

The healthiest way to establish a successful relationship that might last, is to be open to new things and to choose with more discernment. Take your time in meeting the right person.

The following suggestions may be helpful for successful SOBER Dating AND maintaining your sobriety:

Make sure the person is worthy of you. A potential significant other would never put your recovery at risk. Look for someone kind, honest, and dependable as these are important values that will only enhance your self-esteem.

SOBER Dating is a positive action to take in recovery, but it should be done in consultation with others. Also, most importantly, remember that no relationship is worth putting your sobriety at risk.