(O) Openness - Observing Our Pasts

Learn how openness and observing past relationships can build trust and growth in sober relationships. Discover practical steps to thrive in sobriety and relationships.

Openness in relationships is taking the leap to be vulnerable. If we take risks to open up to our partners, we are actually taking a step toward building trust, security, and faith.

And how does this work? You probably know that if you are willing to share your thoughts- both good and bad- as well as your experiences, other people often relate. The same goes for your partner.

Even if they do not resonate, they feel valued. You are willing to share your passions, desires, pain, struggles, or just everyday life “stuff.” It can make anyone want to take a step back to say, “Wow, this person really trusts me.”

In sober relationships, we can find it is hard to be open. Some of us, including myself, could be open when drinking but then would still hide secrets and shame for the parts we didn’t want others to know. Drinking and using drugs causes a lot of hiding of behaviors and thoughts, so we become accustomed to the pattern.

Is it possible to break free from the chains and become open in sober relationships? If you are available to change, then absolutely. All is possible!

Observing Our Past Relationships

We sometimes really want to slam the door on the past. But is that even possible?

I don’t think we can, though we may want to suppress memories, especially if painful or traumatic. It is helpful for me if I view it as a lesson learned and an opportunity for growth.

Your past influences who you are now. It has an impact on your decisions, feelings, and your reactions to everyone around you. No matter the current relationship, our past relationships are always a part of us.

It’s helpful to be observant of past relationships, or they may continue to haunt you.

How do we do this? Through making peace. When memories of our thoughts of the past come flooding through, sit with them. Observe the following:

If you are working a healthy 12 step program, continue to do a 4th and 5th step if you notice resentments. Dependent on what works best for you, personal or living amends may be appropriate to help put closure to some of your past relationships.

Other Helpful Factors From the Past

Some typical emotions or habits may emerge in your current relationship, stemming from the past.

Fear

It is often said there are only two feelings: love and fear. Fear is common in new relationships and carries from one relationship to the next.

There is the fear of heartbreak, of expressing love, of abandonment. Try as much as you can to address these fears when you are with someone new. It is also helpful to remember the serenity prayer: the power to change the things you can and accept the things we cannot change.

Comparisons

Stop comparing your ex to your current partner. The past is what it is- in the past, and there is no changing that fact. It is only fair to your new partner to be accepted as they are in this very moment.

Just as we want to be accepted for who we are, your partner deserves the same. Also, never consider stalking or reconnecting with an ex. Especially if in a new relationship. Your ex deserves peace and the opportunity to move on. You deserve the chance for your new relationship to blossom.

You Can Thrive in SOBER Relationships

Are you wondering how you might continue to thrive or bring out the best in your relationship?

The SOBER Love Relationships Blueprint can help you discover how to show up and be emotionally available, learn how to be relational, choose healthy partners, and learn to communicate your wants and needs to break unhealthy patterns.

If you are ready for the best relationship of your life, then join The Sober Relationship BluePrint Program, because you deserve it to have the best of all in sobriety!